From stuck to "I believe in magic"

Meet Nomi

An artist and food writer who joined us on retreat in 2022, and still thinks about her experience almost every day. We talked to her about what led to her journey, what she got out of it, and where it’s taken her since. Read on to get the full story of what she found at Alalaho.

What made you consider joining a psychedelic retreat in the first place?

I’ve been in therapy a lot—when I was a teenager, and then I had seen a psychotherapist for the last 15 years of my life. I constantly felt like I could talk myself to death.

To me, psychedelics was just something that you take and you go crazy. It was never an option. But I follow Michael Pollan for years, so when he wrote about psychedelics, I was like, okay, I’ll just read about it. And then it was just like, oh, my God, this is what I was looking for.

I think I felt that I went as far as I can go with psychotherapy. I was in such a dark, hopeless place that I didn’t even allow myself to imagine that there was a possibility of joy and happiness.

How did you find Alalaho specifically?

I started researching where I can do this, and I got to what was the British Psychedelic Society retreat at the time. I could barely find information—they barely had a website, but there was a short documentary someone made, and I could see the faces and the kind of atmosphere and energy, and it just felt right.

I booked it eight months in advance. Even when I booked it, I was terrified. I was supposed to go March 17th, 2020, so on March 15th-—lockdown happened. I was like, okay, the universe is saying no, I get it.

“I felt like I was in a dark room, pitch black, but all of a sudden, someone’s handed me a key, which means there’s somewhere in that room a lock that I can put that key into, and there’s going to be a window or a door… oh, my God, there’s more to whatever is here.”

How did you work with your fear of losing control?

One of my mechanisms is to seize control, and I knew that the work I had to do was to work on the surrender part. If I wasnt going to surrender, none of this was going to work. And it was terrifying.

I remember even that summer before I was supposed to go, I went to Disneyland and rode all the roller coasters. Because that is letting go of control. You need to trust the process, trust that everythings going to be fine, just breathe and stop screaming. When you breathe into it, it becomes like a completely different experience-really mindfulness.

What kept you committed during the pandemic delays?

During that first year, even though the retreats were on hold, they had all these Zoom group gatherings. I was so mentally psyched and already on that tangent that I kept doing the work.

Those Zooms were really helpful because all of a sudden you could see the people behind it and how they were, and how I felt after these Zooms only strengthened my feeling that I want to do this with them.

The fact that they didnt go anywhere during that whole period and hardship, it felt like they re not going anywhere. That had an impact. They were one of the oldest retreats, they had experience, and I researched other retreats-something didn’t feel as grounded.

What was your first impression when you finally arrived?

Even when I got to the retreat, even that first day, I was so suspicious and looking for anything that seemed funny. But it just felt like they knew what they were doing. It didn’t feel as if it was work for them—it felt like a life’s mission. They were really there to help and support and experience the experience with us.

The venue was amazing-this countryside house in the Netherlands, like an old barn house with a beautiful garden and animals. The food was incredible. There was this woman who made vegan food, and it was just a celebration of everything. It felt healthy and wholesome and plenty.

It was all so perfectly constructed. All the activities in preparation and to integrate afterwards—it was so meticulously curated and designed that there was not a minute that felt like, oh, I would have done this differently. It was so well made.

Can you describe your actual journey?

My journey had two main things that happened. The first big thing really had a lot to do with my intention-the work I came to do. But I remember after getting that experience, it was like time for the mushrooms to be like, “Okay, well, now it’s our turn. Where do you want to go?”

There’s no words to describe how my mind just completely shattered and was completely disintegrated and reassembled. It was the most terrifying and the most challenging and the scariest and the most incredible—it was everything.

The message that came through loud and clear was to feel all the feelings. Everything, like, it was feeling all the feelings turned to volume ten. But even in all that intensity, I felt so held by the setting and the people around me.

Coming out of the experience it felt like I had been in a dark room, pitch black, but all of a sudden, someones handed me a key. Which means theres somewhere in that room a lock that I can put that key into, and theres going to be a window or a door.

It was like, oh, my God, theres more to whatever is here.

How did you feel after your experience?

I remember coming out of it feeling like I am the bravest person I know. What I had gone through—but also I did it. I was so happy that ld waited the time that I did and that I did it in a group setting, and I was so happy that I followed my heart.

The group had a huge impact. Just leaving and knowing that I’m part of this tribe and that all of these people are in my hearts and I’m in theirs-incredible.

“I remember coming out of it feeling like… I am the bravest person I know. Yes, what I had gone through. But also I did it. I was so happy that I’d waited the time that I did and that I did it in a group setting… I felt so happy that I followed my heart.”

What changes did you notice in the following months?

The first few months, I started to notice how I was dealing with situations from completely different energy. I used to approach things from a very masculine energy, and all of a sudden it was feminine. I wasn’t doing anything consciously—| couldn’t put a finger on it except | realized I just dealt with that situation completely differently.

All of a sudden, just realizing that even the way I carry myself and my emotional reactions— its not masculine anymore. I was back in the feminine tribe and back in my body. It was like a shock because it took a few months to unfold, and for me to notice that it was happening. It was such a gift.

How is your relationship with therapy different now?

For the first time, I can actually do work. I just realized that the 15 years I had a psychotherapist, there was basically no work done. It was just my mind talking. Now that something is opened and I’m able to feel my feelings, I can actually deal with pain and deal with memories and let it pass through my body.

I have a different therapist now-more of a body-mind therapist who works with people who do psychedelics. Its different work, and I feel like for the first time I can do work.

How does the experience continue to show up in your life now?

I think about it practically every day because it was so humongous and it really was like a rebirth and a kind of shattering and reassembling. I still feel I’m working with the wisdom that I received. Its still constantly relevant, and I still feel I have work to do with it.

It feels like the journey has immediate therapeutic effects, but it also gives you a roadmap to take with you. I still feel I haven’t even started to digest it fully.

“For the first time, I can actually do work. I just realized that the 15 years that I had a psychotherapist, there was basically no work done. It was just my mind talking, and there was no work done. And so now that something is opened and I’m kind of able to feel my feelings, I feel like I can do work.”

Are you planning to do another retreat?

I journal every morning, and practically every day I ask myself, “Are you ready for another retreat?” I keep telling myself no, I’m not ready. But then I think, you don’t have to ask yourself every day-when you’ll be ready, you’ll know you’re ready.

It’s like buying a new pair of shoes. The retreat was like the first time I have shoes with a sole, and I can walk. I can still walk—my shoes are still good, they’re still working. The minute I feel like these are worn out and they’re hurting and not protecting me, then I’ll know it’s time for a new pair.

I feel like the mushrooms have given me enough things to work with. Its not fair for me to go back for more before I’m done with what they ve given me.

What would you tell someone considering an Alalaho retreat?

If you find it and it finds you, then it’s the right thing. You have to be brave because you have to be willing to do this with a group of strangers, and you have to be willing to take that leap of faith.

I can’t imagine doing it anywhere else or in a different context. For me, it was such a sacred experience. There was so much thought and love and attention and care put into all of it. It was so perfect and tailor-made.

After the experience, I was like, “This is magic. I believe in magic.”